...is the one thing I want, but can never sem to be able to get. Not from friends, family or co-workers. Not even from my own husband. Maybe he loves me, but I know he doesn't respect me...it's evident in everythig he says and does.
I find it ironic that after Vanessa was born, he would always say how he had been attracted to me because I had been a strong, independant woman, but I didn't seem to be anymore. Ironic because everytime I try to be the strong, independant woman he says that he loves, he tries to dismiss that independance. It seems that anytime I voice my opinion or take a stand on just about anything...from raising our child to politics to what's for dinner, he treats my opinion as worthless. At the very most, he'll condenscendingly go along with me, but always with the air of indulging a spoilt child in order to avoid a tantrum (which of course, is his method of "parenting" as well).
On the parenting subject, he rarely ever uses any form of discipline at all. Which I find strange, considering that he's this gung-ho ex-Marine who's all about the Marine way of honor, duty, and discipline. He indulges almost every whim of hers as long as it won't directly harm her. I'm constantly made out the be the "bad cop" because when I say no to something, I follow through with it and will not back down if she throws a tantrum. If I say it's naptime, then it's naptime, no matter how much she fusses and whines about not wanting to take a nap....unlike him who will just shrug and let her play, assuming that "she'll get tired sometime"...which she usually doesn't..she just gets super-grouchy, and I'm left to deal with her because he's out somewhere...again. Like yesterday....I get home a little after 2 from working my butt off at work and she still hasn't taken a nap (her usual naptime is around noon). As far as I can tell, he's made no real overtures to trying to get her to take a nap and never does for the 30 inute or so he's there before taking of to work on his mother's house. So, here I'm tired, hungry and working on a headache and I'm stuck dealing with a grouchy toddler who's 2 hours overdue for nap. Nice...
Then last night, I just *know* that she's going to get up 10 times again...like she's done the past 4 nights or so. So I decided to lay down the rule that she gets a book in bed if she stays in bed. If she gets up, she loses the book. So she agreed and laid down. But, as usual, after about 5 minutes, she's up and heading out of her room. So I took her book away. She screamed and pitched a fit, but I held my ground...well, until she found another book stashed under her pillow (sneaky girl). I relented and let her keep that one, but laid downthe same rule...get up, lose the book. Well, she got up again, so I took the book and put her back in bed. We can't lock her in her room because she's figured out how to unlock it from the inside...so I just stood outside her door and held it closed. I felt horrible for doing it because she was hysterically trying to get out, but I knew if I didn't we would be dealing with her getting up constantly every night. She did the same thing when I finally got her sleeping in her own bed and she only fussed for the first two nights and everytime after that she was fine. So I'm hoping that this will be the same way. But anyway, back to the husband issue. The whole time she was putting up a fuss, I assumed that Ron was downstairs, because usually he'll get up at some point and "take over for me" (a.k.a. shoo off mean ole Mommy so he can let her have her way), but when she finally calmed down and I heard her go to bed, I found him in the living room. I half-jokingly said that I was a mean Mommy and hated doing that. He just gave me this "no comment" look, so I said something like, "What? Or are you just doing the no comment thing?"...and he just shrugs and goes back to watching his football game. Argh...I was so mad!
Something he has yet to figure out is that when I'm crying, I'm not sad, I'm usually very angry. I cried in the bedroom for a few minutes and he comes in and snuggles up with me. Okay, I'm okay with that....but I figured he'd at least ask what was wrong, but he never said a word the whole time, he just lay there with me, then left after I'd stopped crying and went into the utter silent mode, hoping that he'd eventually care enough to want to know why I was upset...but he never did. And that made me even angrier. I mean, heck...does he not even care why I'm upset? Or is it another case of him thinking, "Oh look another one of her 'meltdowns'. I guess I just need to give her a hug and let her be." And that's one of the things that pisses me off most...the fact that anytime I get upset about something and dare to voice my opinion, he considers it a "meltdown" and implies that I need to get psychiatric help for my "depression". No, you fracking idiot, it's called being human with feelings that are being stomped on constantly and I'm bloody fracking sick of it!
Even now, he's probably upstairs, being resentful that I'm down here "blogging" (which is what he calls anything I do online....ignoring the fact that he spends plenty of time down here gaming), while he's watching Vanessa (also ignoring the fact that I've been up with her for the past 2 hours already while he stayed in bed). Not to mention he's probably going to take off sometime around her naptime (so I get to be the "bad cop Mommy" once again to get her to take a nap and he doesn't have to), to spend the entire day with his mother and not come home until after dinnertime. Oh yes, one other thing that pissed me off this morning. Last night, I made dinner for both of us (even though Vanessa and I ate before he got home after 7 because we were too hungry to wait that long). He tells me to leave his on the stove and he'll eat it in a little bit. Well, I went into the kitchen this morning and it's still sitting there, serving as breakfast for the bugs! What a waste! He couldn't even make the effort to put it in a bowl and stick it in the refrigerator...or even tell me that he didn't want it and let me do it. He just left it there like I was supposed to know that he wouldn't eat it! Argggghhhh! Why do I bother?!?
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